Writing has been a faithful friend to me over the years leading me to many good insights about myself, my life and surroundings. Yet it seems that every time there is a blank white page/or computerscreen in front of me I'm still asking whether it's worth it... Like argh, I don't care about writing now.... even I know it will do me good like a good friend does...and even I feel an inner strong wind pushing me to do it, write myself out and figure out my inner weather...so that I may know to deal with it and myself better.
Perhaps I have started to come to a rather rough realization that I don't really trust people. And that I don't really truly trust the friends I have in my life either. I want to but it seems that I don't. I'm sorry. Really. (But I do know and trust the real friends of mine will read this text to the very end however..;-)
Quite recently I've been sick and at the end hospitalized for a few days because of a really bad earinfection in both ears in which the antibiotics had no charm at all. As I had the experience of being nearly deaf for over a week, I had time to think about a lot of things. I know that when we're in pain, we're alone in it - with our own happy or sad company... everyone of us have to face those moments from our own core, even there be people close by. And when you don't hear others that well as I didn't for a while, well...it just is that you find yourself talking to yourself more.
In this time of sickness I found a hesitation in myself. To call anyone. I wanted someone to cheer me up but I couldn't make the call to any of my friends that hey, please cheer me up! Just talk to me, loudly ;-) be there... for me. I found in myself a person who fought to be strong and a person who didn't want to show a need of others.... even I did feel the need of others... When I thought of calling some friend from the hospital, I thought oh, I won't bother their weekend or evening out somewhere... Instead I ended up taking my diary and comforting myself with words of inner delivery - hey this is how I'm feeling now - and what eventually helped me a lot to see and understand myself. At the end I was really happy I had taken the time for me - I didn't feel lonely with myself, I could bare my own company and make the most of it. And I guess that's what I know for trues each time I write.
The thing is that I'm also realizing that I truly would want to trust people and trust my friends. I really don't want to give up the view of a world where people are learning to love one another with faithful and graceful hearts. I know I want to learn. I'm finding myself looking at people who don't hesitate to take the spot on the stage of their lives, share their talent or knowledge of some sort - be present and share what they - want to share. People who are sure of themselves, not only seemingly but really. People who carry their responsibilities with noble hearts and don't hesitate to be who they really are.
I guess I'm only figuring out who I really am underneath this skin. I know I want to make it through this life knowing that I have not missed my oppportunities to love, to care, to learn, to rejoice, to grow, to share, to forgive, to stop and breathe and live in this moment. I want to give. And I do want to learn to also receive and trust that there are people out there in whom I can trust.
I know there are a lot of people for whom giving is much easier than receiving, as there are also people who's only concern is to receive after receiving. At the same I believe we can only truly give when we have received... This I mean in a very broad manner. I don't know why but now it makes me think that it's like I know so strongly within me that I do not want to give up life before I know to have truly lived for what my heart is beating for. Right now it is beating for more writing, living and meeting with people, choosing good, enjoying the small moments in everyday life, seeing the beautiful things around me...
In my diary-writing and thinking journey at the hospital I also made a few notices of myself that I want to change for good. Some of it I can share here with you.
- I want to concentrate in good things. I realised that too often I start speculating that
others are trying to pick up faults in me and as I start underlining something that way, I miss the good
that there really is. I want to cut the speculation and be thankful of the good there is. Because
there ARE many good things.
- I realised there are situations in which I'm not respectful of others as I have a strong inner opinion of
something "how it should be" and so I tend to make it My Way. Thinking vice versa, I'd have
a hard time someone else deciding the matter on my behalf. I realised that I need to tolerate "letting
things rest for a while" in order to give space for others and myself, hear them.
- In other things it can be that I find myself asking other people's opinion as if I'm dependent on their
opinion to make a decision. I realise how silly that is, I CAN make the decision myself and take the
responsibility of it also. I know in many things I could trust myself better. And is it so that if I ask
another and I do according to their opinion of the matter, it gives me someone else to blame if it's not
how I wanted it after all? ;-S
- Sometimes I find myself expecting or waiting something from others as if they should read my
mind. I realise how much energy is wasted for nothing. I can choose myself to be active and do what
I can do in reaching or moving towards something I wish for. Darn, if I wish someone would give me
a call and suggest a get-together, there's no harm doing it myself... What I choose, I create. A really
nice get-together just occurred this week with a new friend! :-D
- I realised again what I also knew before: that I am truly happy and grateful of my husband and
children and the family we create. I started thinking how can I keep watch of myself that I give
enough concentrated time to my children as they are growing - all the time!
- I decided to start dressing up more merrily...:-) I'd like to :-). A new clothes-budget would be fun
but I'm trying to make the best of what I have. The fact is that I know I'm often dressing up less me
than what I used to... and I just know that it feels good when you find the oufit that represents you. Is
that the difficulty in being a woman...? ;-)
Writing has been a faithful friend to me for many years. Through writing I've tried to not forget about myself because I know I need to listen to me or I'm drifting away from my core and the path I want to travel. Through the years I've grown to become my own faithful friend, and to learn to stand on my side as a good friend because I don't know who else at the end will, and well, I'm the one whom I'm stuck with for the rest of my life with anyhow! :-) I think in the bottom of it all that is what my trust-issue is all about too. I don't want to expect others to make me happy and "trust" them for that because I know they can't and I can't lay that kind of expectation on others. That's my responsibility.
I guess at the end of this I could make a conclusion of having had a fruitful earinfection and pretty good inside hearing. ;-D
For my friends - thank you for being there
let's get together soon! :-)
Rina
